I had mentioned in an earlier post that I wanted to write about myself, as Jacob's mom, and what raising him (and his brothers for that matter) has taught me about me. When things are going well, I try to remind myself to think back over the years, and everything we have been through. Not to dwell on the negative, but to remember how rough it can be sometimes, so I don't forget to enjoy the good times. And there are plenty of good times.
So I was a young naïve college student looking so forward to becoming a teacher when I met Brett. We were so googoo for each other... it's fun to remember those days. Today I am happy that we were (and are) best friends. I truly believe it's what holds us together in the tough times. It's funny, if I would have tried to predict my future at that point in my life, I would have been way off. First of all, I left Austin (which I loved) to move to Arlington (which I did not love) to follow Brett after only 6 months of dating. We moved in together and were engaged about 6 months after that. About 6 months later we married, and 6 months later Jacob was born, and 6 months after that we found out about his stroke. Six months later I quit teaching. So within 2 years, I went from clueless college student, to a wife and homeowner, then a mom and teacher, and then a stay-at-home mom of a special needs child. The older wiser me realizes the intensity of that, but I'm not sure I did back then. Maybe that's a good thing.
My point in looking back, is to show how different my life turned out because of having Jacob. Both the good and the bad. I would say that a few months after quitting my teaching job, I was bummed. Really bummed. I don't know if I would say depressed... but maybe. I would do Jacob's therapy with the therapists and try to do some on my own as well. I remember there being days where I literally sat on the couch and watched TV from the time I got up until I went to bed. Jacob was actually pretty easy as far as entertaining himself, taking naps, going to bed at night, so about 4 or 5:00, I'd make a drink and wait for Brett to get home. I didn't have any friends who lived close, they were all in Houston or Austin or they were teachers who still worked. It was hard to find other moms to hang out with too because Jacob was "different", he didn't play or interact with other kids, he couldn't walk or talk when they could, etc. It was hard, although I don't think I realized at the time how hard it was on me. I remember a lot of drinking, which is obviously not good, but only after Jacob went to bed.
I remember I would pride myself in the fact that after finding out about Jacob's stroke, I never cried. I guess I thought that meant I was tough, and I could handle it. I think I just had the ability to go on autopilot, to just take each day and do what I needed to do. I just didn't deal with the emotions of what it meant for me to have a special needs child, I was fine. Clearly I wasn't, but I still made it through, so for me that coping mechanism worked on some level.
I also don't think I realized how hard being at home and not working was on me. I needed to be home with my son, and I wanted to be home with him, but a big part of me was given up in order to do so. I think many stay-at-home moms go through this. Your identity becomes something through your children. Your days revolve around them; the grocery store, cooking, cleaning, diapers, bottles, etc. Don't get me wrong, I will cherish the years I was able to have with my boys when they were young. A lot of great memories. But putting who I was outside of the home on the back burner was not easy. I remember when I talked to Brett about having a second child, he thought I was nuts. Thank goodness we did... and then a third? I had lost my mind! Ha! Wouldn't change a thing now.
I will say I was at my most overwhelmed part of my life right after Ryan was born. I was nursing him, and trying to keep my quiet artist 2 1/2 year old from destroying my house, and Jacob started Kindergarten. (More on that back in prior posts, probably in 2008 on this blog.) I was in over my head, Brett was working crazy hours trying to build his business, I had very little friends, and certainly none that "got it", and my family was not close either.
I think I turned a big corner when we moved to the school district we are in now. Finally, I felt like I had help. The school was so supportive and Jacob immediately responded positively. I slowly felt a weight lifting off of my shoulders for the first time. Now, I do not want to discount everyone who was in my life through all of this, my family and friends who did their best to help and support me, I don't know that I could have done it without all of them. Even if it was just lending an ear to let me vent. But, I still felt a huge sense of responsibility, and some of that was being lifted.
Moving ahead a bit, Jacob was doing well, Luke was now in school, and Ryan started a PreK that was Mon-Fri. I thought maybe I'd try going back to work. I quickly realized that working with three kids and a husband who were used to Mom being at their beckon call, was not going to be a smooth transition. In the end, the transition was not to happen in that way because no one was banging down my door to hire me. I tried to substitute teach, but it's not easy to say yes or no at 5am when you have no idea of what you will do with your kids. I tried getting my real estate license, even started the classes, but realized I wasn't into that at all. I took tests to become Early Childhood and Special Education certified and passed both of those. I have to admit, putting myself back out there after so many years was harder for me than I thought. I just always assumed that when I was ready to go back to teaching, I just would. Again, life throws curve balls. I finally landed on grad school, although Brett was a hard sell. After all, it costs money... doesn't make money. But, I think it has been one of the best choices I have made for my life. I am still at home and around for all 4 of my boys, I am learning and enjoying my classes, professors, and especially my fellow grad students. And being a mom of these boys has taught me so much, that I have plenty to say in my classes and in my writings for my classes. My professors and classmates seem to enjoy hearing stories about Jacob, we can all learn from him and from our family's experience with him. I am planning on job hunting again in the spring, I think I will be ready and I'm hoping not having that Master's degree yet will help. I just want to get back in the classroom for a few years, then move on to who knows where...?
So being in a better place may have taken a while, but at least we are there. That which does not kill us makes us stronger, right?
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