venting a bit

I've decided I need to write about something. Something I don't talk about much. I try to keep it fun and happy on my blog, but there's just something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. I want to talk about the not-so-fun side of being Jacob's Mom. Brett and I had an emotional conversation last night and I just gotta vent. Maybe it's because there are several new babies in my life right now and a few more on their way. New moms, moms having their firsts, their seconds, and even their thirds. Some ask me for advice, some don't. I watch each one react, change, and adjust to the addition. It takes me back to all of my "additions" and how I had to change and adjust. When some of them do ask for advice, I feel like my experience was so different, I can only help them so much.  I find myself thinking, 'they still don't get it, what my life is like'. What having not just three kids, but three and one with special needs, is like. Now honestly, I really try not to think this way. It's not good to always think/act like you have it worse than everyone else, and believe me, I know how lucky I am. It's just sometimes I sit back and realize, this can be hard, this raising a child with disabilities thing, real hard. That was the basis of our conversation last night. How hard it can sometimes be. I have had so many people tell me, "I wouldn't have known anything just by looking at Jacob." Well it's not so much the physical stuff with Jacob, although that's hard on many levels too, it's the behavior. When he gets up in the morning, he is sometimes incredibly what I call "wound up". He screams, slams doors, squeaks instead of talking (incredibly frustrating at 7am), and maybe the worst, he eats either at the counter or the table, and there will be crumbs everywhere. On mornings where I actually get to sleep in, there will be crumbs from the table, to the counter, to the tv. Ok, he's 10. Ten year olds don't behave like this. When I get on his case about it, he laughs, finds it very funny. Now I know this sounds funny, and maybe it is, the first 2 or 3 times, but time after time after time, it just gets old. And incredibly frustrating. Why can't he just stop? Just put the food in his mouth, chew and swallow. Not take little pieces of cereal and instead of putting the whole piece in his mouth, chew on it like Cookie Monster so that crumbs fly everywhere. Again, I know it sounds funny, but I've been cleaning my 10yr olds crumbs off the floor for months now, maybe over a year. I'm tired. And this is the simple stuff. There are many things that we deal with on a regular basis. Potty words, innapropriate words and behavior, farting at the table or in front of people. Again, I know, sounds hilarious, and yes I can certainly laugh at it sometimes, but sometimes, it's just mortifying. More than anything, I hate it for him. I talk to him a lot about his friends at school, and how they behave. We also just got him a Speech therapist once a week to work on socialization. I'm hoping that with working on that, he will gain some more ability to determine appropriate behaviors for himself.
   Another thing that's hard for me. Not being able to leave my children for long periods of time. Not that this is something I really want to do. I'm ok with not taking long trips without them, I'd rather have them with me. But it would be nice to just take a weekend away, and not have to worry. Even our closest family members and friends that can somewhat "handle" him, still get in the line of fire sometimes. He's cussed at all of them and even hit a few. Sometimes when he flips out, there is just no calming him down. I am the only one that can snap him out of it sometimes.
    Jacob asks a bazillion questions. I mean seriously, so many questions I have to tell him to stop for even 5 min and give me a break. It really helps to just have one other person in the house that he can ask his questions to, so I get a break. I remind myself to be happy that he can talk to me, and be curious about things, and want to learn about them. But once again, it gets so tiring. There are so many other little things that I won't even begin to name, that all just kind of wear you out after a while. I feel like I repeat myself to that child 1000 times a day, talking and reminding and disciplining about the same things, over and over again.
  Let's not forget, I have 2 other children to keep happy while trying to stay patient with Jacob. Then I'll be disciplining Ryan for something, you know like hitting and tackling the dog, or Luke for cussing or hitting his brother, and in all my frustration, Jacob will start to repeat everything I'm saying. As if I'm not already ready to kill someone, he has to add insult to injury. Brett has a very hard time with it all, although he's come a very long way. For a man that didn't have a clue about parenting, and no patience whatsoever, he has worked very hard to be a good father. We have little talks once in a while and those really help. We just kind of "get real" about Jacob and our emotions about it all.
     Luckily, as they've gotten older, it's gotten easier. Thank goodness. But still, there are days.......  Jacob is such a funny, sweet, loving boy with seriously the greatest sense of humor. I love him dearly and cannot imagine my life without him in it. All 4 of my boys mean the world to me.
  Ok, I guess that's all I really have to say about it... for now. Just wanted to get that off my chest.